As you can see I was not able to continue posting to this blog over the Summer as I had hoped. The job that I took made me very happy, but sadly it took a great deal out of me physicality and mentally and did not allow me the internet access that I thought I would have. Due to this I did not make the posts that I expected to make and now that I am back in school I have even less time to make post as I am now working part time on top of attending nursing school, but that is not what the purpose of this posting is.
The purpose of this posting is to talk about what I have realized in this time period of being almost completely away from this blog. I "NEED" to write. While I was working over the summer I made the promise to myself that I would write something each and every day. Even if it was just a single sentence I needed to write something. In making that silent and meaningful promise I came to realize that I write a lot in my personal time. I write in a journal, I write announcements for a community newsletter, I write blog posts and what could be called the most important is I write letters to my now fiancee, Biohazard, who is attending school over 6 hours away from me. Many people find it strange that I write her letters, even with me talking to her several times a day and texting almost nonstop that I would still have anything to write. Well to be honest I know that what I write to her is not epic love poems, and that changes are even if she would never say this to me, they bore her. But I feel they bring us closer. I tell her things that happen to me and thoughts that I have that seem important at the time, but later on when I am talking to her never seem to come up. That is why I need to write them down. I feel in my heart that I need to tell her things, because when I do I feel as if she is closer to me. But that is not all of my writing.
The need to write everyday is about me. It may come off selfish, but it is the truth. In nursing school they teach us to ask people about their self care behavior because they can say a great deal about a persons health and mental state. My self care behavior is writing. Writing things down allows me to process what has, is and will happen to me. In a time when everything is rushed and crazy I need to take the time to sit and process what is going on. Some times I need an escape so I write down a fiction story, but in that I am also releasing a thought from my head and capturing on paper for the world to see. I am writing down what I need to say to feel good about myself. In many ways that concept has been theme of my relationship with Biohazard.
When I first started dating Biohazard I was 23 years old and had never had a girlfriend. I had girls who were friends and at times I had tried to turn that into something more, but sadly that never happened. I was 23 years old, never been on a real date, and I had never kissed a girl. At 23 years old I had already given up on finding love and was ok with that. Many people live full and happy lives with out having romantic love and they do great things. I planned to be one of those people. Then Biohazard came along and I did not make things easy on her. She was falling for me and I was in a place where I felt I was above all of that, but then I fell for her. So I was a mind in distress. Then I heard John Mayer's "Say". which I could write a whole post about what it means to me and how it specks to me, but basically it told me I had to say what "I" needed to say to myself and to Biohazard. It spoke to the conflict I was having with in my own mind and that the only way I could make it better would be by letting it out.
So thank-you for reading this far down. This could be the longest post I have ever made. If you take nothing else away from this let it be a sense that what you need to say is important, even if only to you. What you say and think matters.
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